It’s Lonely in the Middle–But You Don’t Have to Stay There

If you’re a new nonprofit executive director and feeling unexpectedly alone in the role — you’re not the only one. I’ve been there just like most of the leaders I coach and work alongside. And this feeling will rear its head throughout your tenure if you’re not vigilant.

When I stepped into the role, I wasn’t prepared for how isolating it could feel. Suddenly, I had no true peer inside the organization. My professional network was a bit underdeveloped. And they were mostly in the type of roles I had held before. They were supportive, but not in the same trenches.

I saw opportunities and challenges coming our way that weren’t ready for prime time – too many unknowns. My ideas needed to be more fully formed before bringing my board or leadership team into the conversation (I always say, ‘don’t start the roller coaster until you’re sure you’re up for the ride’).

We’re taught to keep people in the loop — to be transparent, to communicate clearly. But what do you share when there’s nothing certain to say? When you’re still sorting through the noise in your own head?

At times, I questioned whether I was just wrong for the job. Was I the only one fumbling through decisions that felt obvious in hindsight? The only leader who hadn’t figured it out?

Here’s what I came to understand: I wasn’t truly “in charge.” I was in the middle — translating between stakeholders, holding competing priorities, and working to build alignment without always (actually, rarely) having the formal authority to enforce it.

That was new, unexpected, and isolating for me.

So what do you do when the job feels structurally isolating — and you’re someone who works best through connection and collaboration?

You need to move from “Lonely in the Middle” to a new way of feeling connected and supported.

It’s hard to lead when you’re being pulled in six directions at once. Step one is figuring out exactly who’s pulling.

• Staff. No matter what department they sit in, they are the guardians of your mission. They want their work to be facilitated by the organization in a way that shows just how important it is. Beyond that, you have important human resources issues to attend to in order to ensure that your workplace is equitable and compliant with legal requirements (and that really cannot be shared with anyone).

• The People and Communities You Work With. They are the reason your organization exists. Leaving time to hear from them firsthand is critical (and really hard to do). As executive director you should ensure there are regular touchpoints with the communities you serve. Whether that’s surveys, town halls, or focus groups, they need to be a regular part of your organization's practices.

• Donors. They fund the mission — and often want a say in how it’s carried out. Most executive directors I know spend at least half their time focused here. The challenge? Making sure donor voices don’t drown out everyone else’s. Listening to donors to the exclusion of other stakeholders is the beginning of mission creep.

• Board. They hired you, do your annual review, monitor strategy, governance, and eat up a good chunk of your time. Lots of perspectives and demands come from this direction, which you need to balance by making sure they are well informed about the perspectives, needs, and requirements of all the other groups. For suggestions on how you can allocate your time to this work, you hop over to this blog post .

• Similar Nonprofits. Organizations that are in the same orbit as yours are an important part of your management duties (and a great source of connection). Other organizations challenge us to understand best practices in our field, avoid duplication, and collaborate on advocacy.

• Public. The general public demands that we be a well-run organization or have a great impact (however they may define these). At the same time, we have an obligation to build awareness for our organization to advocate for important mission-related issues.

• Compliance and Rating Agencies. Another demand that hopefully will not take much of your time is ensuring that compliance with government contracts or the rating agencies that assign us stars (which in full transparency I never considered a marker of success) do affect our public presence and, in the case of compliance, our cash flow.

That’s a lot to juggle. And it can be isolating for you as these passionate groups sometimes insist that they are the most important – as if success comes from prioritizing one group over another. You’ll get advice like “your board comes first” or “it’s all about the team.”

Don't listen.

The opposite is true. Success does not begin with ranking your stakeholders. Your work is its most powerful when you strike a balance between the seemingly-competing needs and wants of your stakeholders – when everyone feels engaged, respected, and influential in helping advance the mission.

Managing this balancing act effectively requires you to:

• Care about and balance the needs of your stakeholders; and

• Actively pursue connections outside the organization to ensure you are not “going it alone.”

Here are six bits of advice to consider:

Maintain Good Boundaries. Be accessible, not immersed.

There is a fine line between transparency and oversharing. Stakeholders are colleagues, not confidantes. Save your concerns about the job for trusted colleagues, external coaches, and good friends.

Plan Ahead. Stakeholders will take all the time you give them. So plan what you want to give.

To make sure you are managing your stakeholders (and not the other way around), create a pie chart, designating what proportion of your time you want to dedicate to each stakeholder group. Then, spend two-three weeks observing how you actually allocate your time.

Build your Network. You’re not the only one in search of a friendly ear.

Local foundations or nonprofit capacity building organizations often offer learning cohorts or or other supports for executive directors. Checking in with executive directors you already know can point you to one of these or, if a group of executive directors has formed its own group, you can find out about it that way.

Connect with Peers. Get out of the office and off the Zoom.

Schedule time regularly (breakfast/lunch/coffee/Zoom) with peers you value. Groups are a great support, but once you find a few colleagues that you really connect with, make time for 1:1 meetings with them – once a month minimum.

Hire an Executive Coach. Sift through the noise.

For almost all of my coaching clients, balancing the demands of their stakeholders is core to our work together. Having a sounding board is nice, but also having the space to turn your concerns into concrete actions is invaluable.

Leave Work; Put Down your Phone, It's OK to have a life.

Friends, family, your dog — these are the companions who remind you that your value isn’t based on your leadership performance. Being grounded outside of work helps you show up stronger inside it.

The executive director role can be deeply meaningful — but it’s also demanding in ways that don’t show up on the org chart. With the right people in your corner, a few boundaries in place, and regular check-ins with yourself, you can move from surviving to leading with confidence.

For more reflections on the executive director life or to consider coaching, visit my website or DM me on LinkedIn.